I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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