she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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