i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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