Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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