Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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