So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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