i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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