i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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