If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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