I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
