Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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