"it" just moved
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
