Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
