I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
