I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
