I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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