i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
