the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
