dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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