I think my fart just growled at me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
