I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
