DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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