My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
