Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
