I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
