turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
whose ass print is on the piano?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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