I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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