got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
