They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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