Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Fuck appropriateness.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
