You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am one with the molecules
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
