i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
