As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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