Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
