I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
