He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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