My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
