shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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