you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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