peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
