I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
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I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?