Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.