drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.