So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...