Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
