Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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