We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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