I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
