I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
