i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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