There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
