Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
