I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
