just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
