My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
