I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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