Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
