Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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