im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
