just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
