I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
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The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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