I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
