ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
